May 14, 2009

May 14, 2009 >> 05:06:00 PM

The Final Dear Robbie

Dear Robbie,

What am I going to do with my life?

Sincerely,

A Lost Friend

 

Dear Friend,

You have posed a succinct, yet extremely deep existential inquiry and for that effort I will attempt a worthy reply. I wish I knew further the tone of your question; perhaps you are asking with a hopeful and bright demeanor that believes anything is possible. On the opposite pole, your question may be laden with anxiety, doubt, and an overarching sense of despair. Your signature, “A Lost Friend,” certainly hints that the latter tone may be more appropriate for my response. And although your identity is unrevealed to me, I have a feeling that I know who you are, friend.

I would like to address your signature first before I approach your question. The idea of being a “lost” person posits that there has to be a possibility of being a “found” person. At the same time, “lost” cannot be considered a status for someone if no one or nothing is looking for them. For example, the lost lamb in Luke 8 was only considered lost because its owner was seeking after it. You may be truly “lost” in this time, but only for the reason that you are being sought by something greater than you. To summarize, not only are you being sought after, but you also have the possibility of being found. Perhaps the idea of being “lost” does not seem quite so desperate now?

“What am I going to do with my life?” Can you imagine how many people are wondering the very same question at this very same time? Soon, graduation from the seminary will come and it will be time to start a new chapter. People tend to wonder what happens in the next chapter because its contents are untold.  Who can blame you for asking such a worthy question about something so mysterious?

Have you considered the past before you contemplate the future? You seem so desperate to know what happens in the next chapter, but do you remember what took place in the previous one? Do you remember the triumphs and the tragedies? I wonder if you agree that your experiences have left you wiser, stronger, and more prepared for life than before the last chapter. You have come this far and can expect to keep going.

To be honest, there is not a straight-forward answer to your question. But I am glad you are asking it because that means you are preparing space to be introspective about something so crucial. Perhaps it is appropriate to discontinue asking “what are you going to do with your life?”, because the truth is that you are already doing it. Many times over in this lifetime you will transform into the person you strive to be. But remember that Carl Rogers, the great psychologist, reminds us that “the curious paradox is that when we accept ourselves just as we are, then we can change.” Keep focus on the specific nature and design which your Heavenly Father bestowed to you. Accept and revel in who you are!

I will always be there for you, as you have been there for me. Keep your heart focused on the greatness of God. Worship Him every single day. Be a good servant.

Sincerely,

You

 

March 12, 2009

March 12, 2009 >> 07:47:38 AM

Dear Robbie

Dear Robbie,

Isn’t it strange how the Seminary hosts events like Sock-Hops and Square Dances while just across the street the Asbury College students are not allowed to dance at all? I am just curious why the two institutions, both founded on Christian values, differ on this issue.

-Sock-Hop on Pop

 

Dear Pop,

As you may or may not already know there is an understood notion that Lexington Avenue (the road between the College and the Seminary) is the separation of Law and Grace in Wilmore. Perhaps the College is taking Paul’s words seriously that men should not touch women because it leads to unclean thoughts and desires (1 Cor 7:1-3). On the other hand, the ethics board at the college may believe that their students are horrible dancers, and would like to protect them from public embarrassment. OK, that’s probably not the case, but I tend to reframe everything these days (thanks to my CBT professors).

I do know that dancing is considered by some ultra-conservatives to be a gateway to sexual thoughts or actions. At the seminary, this gateway may be more acceptable because a portion of the students have spouses. Honestly, not all types of dancing are sexual in nature, especially square dancing! One has to be pretty darn creative to conjure up impure thoughts while some old caller is chanting an amplified “Spin your toe now Do-Si-Do. Allemande right and squeeze your butt cheeks tight!” OK, they don’t say exactly those words, but you get my point.

The College is going to take the steps they believe are necessary to keep their students from sexualizing their academic experience. In the meantime, the Seminary most likely trusts their student body to keep on the holy path…even while promenading on the gym floor.

Robbie

February 19, 2009

February 19, 2009 >> 04:27:12 PM

Dear Robbie

Dear Robbie,

As you may or may not know, Asbury Seminary’s new president, Dr. Timothy Tennent, will take office beginning this summer. I would like to help welcome Dr. Tennent but I am not sure the best way to do it. Do you have any pointers that hospitable students (like me) can use to comfortably usher in our new leader?

Warmly,

New Prez Fanboy

 

Dear Fanboy,

Receiving new “higher-ups” to our community can be quite a difficult task. This is mainly because we know so little about their “likes” and “dislikes.” In fact, many times we only know about their vast world experience, impressive curriculum vitas, and theological orientation.

Thankfully, we live in a world of “MySpaces” and “Facebooks” which allows us to uncover only the most intimate details of people’s unprofessional lives. I have investigated Dr. Tennent’s “Internet World” and compiled a list of his “likes” and “dislikes.” My hope is for congenial students (like you) to use the following list to make our new president’s inauguration to this community a more meaningful and comfortable one:

TOP TEN LIKES

• 1.       Jesus Christ
• 2.       John Wesley
• 3.       Charles Wesley
• 4.       Ray Charles
• 5.       Wesley Snipes
• 6.       Paddle-boating
• 7.       Mini Marshmallows
• 8.       Medieval Weaponry Facts
• 9.       Microsoft©
• 10.   Puppies

TOP TEN DISLIKES

• 1.       The Devil
• 2.       John Calvin
• 3.       Calvin Klein
• 4.       Kevin Kline
• 5.       Klingons
• 6.       Canoeing
• 7.       Secret Diaries
• 8.       World War I Facts
• 9.       Macintosh©
• 10.   Kittens

-Robbie

January 02, 2009

January 02, 2009 >> 02:09:00 PM

Dear Robbie

Dear Robbie,

The New Year has come, and because I am so near perfection, I am unsure what I should resolve to do for this New Year.  Can you please assist me in my near-perfection New Year's Resolution? 

Sincerely,

Almost There

Dear Almost,

Wow! It does sound like you’re pretty much a perfect individual. In fact, I re-checked your e-mail address to make sure that you weren’t Jesus trying to pull a fast one on me. Alas, you are not our Lord and Savior, so we both know that you still have some “perfecting” to do.

The widely accepted definition of perfection is known to be “the highest degree of proficiency, skill, or excellence.” This definition highlights three distinguished areas: 1) proficiency; 2) skill; and 3) excellence. You, as a self-perfecting “resolutionary”, may choose to examine yourself accordingly by using these three dimensions of excellence as a guideline. However, your self-stated near perfection state leaves little room for improvement in the three aforementioned areas. Therefore, you need to consider an uncharted area that many never even fathom of perfecting: imperfection. I know what you’re thinking: “Of course! How could I have missed it??” Well, you did.

For this New Year, you are best off perfecting imperfection. Some examples may be to turn in papers full of grammatical errors, overcook dinners, and trip over your shoelaces. Imagine how good it will feel to know that others will be impressed with your new imperfect self.

-Robbie

December 03, 2008

December 03, 2008 >> 07:43:06 PM

Dear Robbie

Dear Robbie,

I enjoy most Christmas parties except for when mistletoe is present. As you may already know, two people have to kiss each other if they find themselves positioned under that stupid plant. As a seminary student, I feel that this tradition is inappropriate and was wondering what I can do to avoid being caught in an unholy situation.

-My lips are sealed

Dear Lips,

Kissing under the mistletoe is an old Scandinavian tradition. As we all know, Scandinavians often contrive perverse holiday traditions (i.e. slapping the nearest person’s bottom and saying “Ho! Ho! Ho!” if a shooting star appears in the sky).

As decent seminary students, we can put our minds together to formulate holiday traditions congruent to our lifestyle without compromising the presence of mistletoe. For example, two people, if caught together under the mistletoe at a party, can both put out their hands to shake and simultaneously say, “Merry Christmas kind person! May the Lord bless you and keep you!” Another idea might be for the two people to share their favorite Christmas Bible verse followed by an approving gesture like a nod or a gentle “high-five.” A final new idea for the mistletoe can be called the “Silent prayer ‘n walk-away.” When two people find themselves both under the mistletoe, they can silently pray for each others’ souls while quietly slipping away in the opposite direction. What a wonderful way to implement social and personal holiness into a party! Merry Christmas!

-Rob

November 13, 2008

November 13, 2008 >> 10:54:08 AM

Dear Robbie

Dear Robbie,

I know many Christians are all uppity about W.W.J.D., which is fine, but as a staunch Wesleyan, I want to also live out W.W.W.D. Is this a good idea? And how do I go about living the W.W.W.D. way?

-J.W. fanboy

Dear J.W. fanboy,

Many good Wesleyans can only hope to follow in the footsteps of such a great, yet extremely tiny, man. And why shouldn’t they? Living in his example is, indeed, a good idea!

However, living by Wesley’s example is not an easy task. Yet, there are two distinct preliminary steps that an individual can take to ensure some success. The first step to living Wesley-style is to quit drinking caffeinated beverages. J.W. would have an aneurysm if he witnessed the kind of caffeine we pump into our bodies today! Energy drinks, coffee, tea…they all have to go! The second step involves a little voltage. J.W.’s obsession with good health was met with intrigue for electric current therapy (thank you, Ben Franklin!). Wesley spent about an hour each afternoon engaged in self shock modalities that were said to have curative properties. I’ve included a picture to demonstrate how to self-administer shock therapy at home…just like J.W. did!

 

Remember, two simple steps to W.W.W.D.:

  1)      No caffeine

        2)      Daily shock therapy

Oh yeah, read the Bible and help the poor, too.

-Robbie

November 05, 2008

November 05, 2008 >> 07:26:48 PM

Dear Robbie

Dear Robbie, 

What is the best method to take the political bumper stickers off of my SUV? 

-discouraged driver

Dear Discouraged, 

I would like to offer some thoughts before I reveal to you the best method for removing adhesive apparatuses from your people mover: You gave your best effort in supporting your candidate, which included, but was not limited to, applying an endorsement to your SUV. Your efforts should not be thwarted or negated simply because your candidate was not elected. Instead, show pride in your choice and keep that sticker for all to see for years to come. Rather than tuck that tail between your legs, drive on with your chest sticking out proudly. And remember, the idea of keeping your sticky endorsement is not just about you. Think about all of the undecided voters that were influenced through your bumper sticker! Don’t let them down by removing your choice candidate for elected office.

I hope my thought is beneficial for you. And if it is not helpful, then go buy some GooGone® and a straight razor blade and never ask for my help again.

-Robbie

October 30, 2008

October 30, 2008 >> 06:32:48 PM

Dear Robbie

Dear Robbie,

Winter is rearing its frigid head once again. Unfortunately, winter is a time where I pack on a hearty ten to 15 pounds! Is there a way to avoid this waistline swelling or is it an unavoidable phenomenon? -a fluctuating fan

Dear Fluctuating,

I am sure that many would agree that the cold winter season is especially tough on the waistline. I believe two main reasons are to consider for this occurrence: 1) Diminished physical activity; and/or 2) Increase intake of sugars.
The easy answer to avoid the unwanted weight gain is to tell you to do some jumping jacks and put the pecan pie down. But where does easy get anyone these days?
The best resolve I will answer regards some time spent with arts and crafts. First, purchase a common sack of Idaho potatoes. Second, completely wrap the potato sack in a yellow, rubbery material.
Now you have a close representation model of 15 pounds of human fat. Place your fat effigy around the house or at the office. It will act as a perfect reminder of the tissue you do not want to gain!

-Robbie

October 23, 2008

October 23, 2008 >> 01:25:33 PM

Dear Robbie

Dear Robbie,

With the presidential election days away, what is the proper Christian or Seminarian way to decide who to vote for?

Sincerely,

Undecided Seminarian Voter

 

Dear Undecided,

This is a very difficult question and I would be wrong to offer a single answer. In other words, this is not a clear-cut, black and white issue. Sometimes I wish someone would send in a question regarding a black and white issue like, “Dear Robbie, Sometimes I get mad at my neighbor. Should I kill him?” And I could easily respond, “No, don’t do that.”

I’ll ask you a question in return: What issue should first come to mind when Christians think about voting for president? That’s right, “abortion.” Oh wait! This person over here first thought, “relief for the poor.” And over there a student responded, “Darfur support.” Finally, another one stated, “fiscal responsibility.” Why didn’t they all agree on one issue? Perhaps some of them are not Christian enough? Of course not!

As one may observe, the responses above are all valid, Biblical replies. An option for you, is to come up with more issues that are Biblically related (some would argue that all issues are in some way related to Scripture). Look over these issues and decide which ones matter the most for your values and choose accordingly. Perhaps a person’s values are not represented whatsoever in the general election so they do not vote at all! Again, this is an extremely difficult question for undecided voters.

And if you’re nervous about who will be president, then remember this: God can and will use whomever He wants for however He wants. He is all-powerful and always in control.

…and if all else fails then use this week’s comic as your guide to voting…

-Robbie

 

October 16, 2008

October 16, 2008 >> 10:48:12 AM

Dear Robbie

Dear Robbie,

How can I tell if any of my friends are secretly Jehovah’s Witnesses? 

Sincerely, J.W. Detective

 

Dear JWD,

The quest to discover the true identity of friends is never simple, especially when it comes to Jehovah’s Witnesses (JW). This is why one must be as crafty and creative as possible in order to uncover the truth behind the probable mask. Using the following techniques will allow a person to find out who their friends really are:

•  Ask your friend if they would like to accompany you this weekend for a walk around the neighborhood around 8 a.m. Tell them that you are going to be visiting different houses to tell people that hell does not exist and that Jesus and the Archangel Michael are the same person. If your friend obliges to go, then you know they are a JW!
•  As we all know, JWs hate blood drives. In fact, JWs are like the opposite of vampires (look it up, naysayers!). Offer to take your friend to the local blood bank to donate and get a free cookie. If your friend declines the offer, then you know they are a JW!
• Visit the JW dating website (www.jwmatch.com) and search out your friend’s name. If your friend has a personal listed there, then you know they are a JW!
• Invite your friend to a mega party. Tell them that you are going to celebrate New Year’s Day, Halloween, Christmas, and Easter all at the same time. As we all know, JWs hate these holidays (look it up, naysayers!). If your friend does not want to attend your mega party, then you know they are a JW!
• Ask your friend if they are a Jehovah’s Witness. If they say ‘yes,’ then you know they are a JW!

-Robbie