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| January 2008 »
Dear Robbie
Dear Robbie,
A dear friend of mine is turning a lot of our mutual friends into zombies and vampires using dark arts he learned from some of his world travels. I keep telling him that this time of semester is inconvenient since they need to
study, take tests during the day, etc, but he tells me that I'm not being
culturally sensitive. What should I do?
--Culturally Curious
Dear Curious,
I really hate being a stickler for
details but I must know if you mean that your dear friend is turning your
mutual friends into hybrid zombie-vampires or into either a zombie or a
vampire. Here is why this distinction matters: In a recent Gallup poll,
statisticians found that 95% of America’s best test takers (including finals)
were peace-loving zombie-vampires (the other 5% were of Asian decent, obviously).
What this might infer is that your dear friend is doing what is commonly known
as Supreme Educational Justice (SEJ). It sounds to me that your dear friend is
doing a big favor and alleviating what could potentially be a difficult time
for most students. So, I would not worry at all if your friends are becoming
zombie-vampires.
However, there is a blimp of a
problem if your friend disregards SEJ and, in actuality, is turning your mutual
friends into either zombies or vampires. Here is why: In another recent Gallup
poll, statisticians discovered that 100% of zombies not only have a mean IQ of
45 but they also like to eat the brains of the living. This means that zombies
barely understand simple colors and shapes and that they are evil monsters.
Turning victims into vampires is not a good idea, either. In general, vampire
IQs are quite high and I am sure they perform well on standardized tests. But
simply put, vampires are seductive immortals that want every person to become
just like them (kind of like communists). Zombies are evil. Vampires are evil.
And communists are probably evil, too.
So what should you do? Start off
by confronting your friend about the issue one-on-one. Find out the facts.
Then, based off of the information I have provided, decipher if what your dear
friend is doing is evil, dark arts or academic enhancement. Tell your dear
friend how much you love Taco Bell and Chinese food if they still think that
you are not being culturally sensitive. That usually works for me.
--Robbie
ATS Comic
