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November 02, 2007 >> 04:17:44 PM
Sexual Brokenness in Ministry
Marilyn Elliott, our Student and Family Chaplain passed this article on to me today. It's worth the read.
The dark demon of ministry
A pastor’s story of sexual addiction
by Santosh Ninan
ChristianWeek
Reprinted with permission
Ten years ago I was the InterVarsity staff worker at the University of British Columbia in Vancouver. The hard work of a previous staffer had drawn together a large group of about 100 students.
I enjoyed working with the students and I was starting to develop a small speaking ministry.
My ministry “star” was starting to rise – I was getting busier, invitations to speak at young adult retreats and conferences were increasing. I would come home and sometimes find 10 to 15 invitations for different ministry opportunities and speaking engagements.
I was having the time of my life, and felt I had found God’s purpose for me.
But I was living a bi-polar life. On the surface, I was an eloquent, personable, knowledge Christian speaker developing a large network of friends and colleagues. But inside a dark cancer was eating my soul.
I was a sex addict. I won’t go into the salacious details of my dark secret, but my addiction was quite serious.
Addiction will eventually come out. Either you get caught in a scandal a la Ted Haggard, or the hypocrisy destroys your mental and emotional stability.
I experienced the latter. In August 1997, I found I could no longer sleep at night. In the morning I would lie in bed wondering why I should get up. Fantasies of suicide were becoming more and more common. I would later be diagnosed with severe clinical depression.
Finally, my psychiatrist told me I might need to be committed to an institution since the suicidal thoughts were getting stronger and stronger. After a flurry of consultations with my supervisors at InterVarsity, my parents, and my doctors, I was on a flight back to my parents’ home in Saskatoon.
My “star” had crashed.
I immediately started weekly individual counseling sessions and a monthly psychiatric evaluation. I was put on anti-depressants. I also joined Sexaholics Anonymous, a 12-step recovery group for sex addicts.
I was utterly humbled – living at home with no job. But it was a blessing. God stopped me so I could be healed. It took me about a year of recovery before I could slowly re-enter some small ministry roles.
A lot has happened in the past 10 years. I lived in India for a year, I got married, I completed my MDIV and I worked in a large church in downtown Vancouver. Right now, my wife and I have two children and are planting a church in downtown Vancouver.
Because of my addiction and my weakness, I know that all I am, all I do and all I have are products of the grace of God. God spared me from my addiction. God made the opening verses of Psalm 40 a reality in my life: God heard my cry; He lifted me out of my pit of addiction; He set me on solid ground; He put a song of worship in my mouth. I believe many people will see what God has done and will come to put their trust in Him.
Alarming statistics
The statistics on pastors and pornography are alarming. In a 2001 Leadership Journal survey, 37 percent of pastors said porn was a struggle for them, and 51 percent admitted it was a temptation.
Most experts in the field of sexual addiction recovery estimate about 20 percent of clergy are addicted to internet porn.
Pastoral ministry can create an atmosphere that more easily fosters addictive sexual behavior.
Time. People in full-time Christian ministry rarely punch a clock. We have a ot of freedom in how we spend our time. We have congregations that trust us. Consequently, some ministers may indulge in internet porn as an escape.
Pressure. Ministry is a difficult profession: not much money, a lot of expectation and frequent criticism. As a result, some pastors find they need some sort of release from the pressure. Instead of finding a healthy outlet like sports or a hobby, some succumb to internet porn. Ultimately, of course, we should be finding solace in our relationship with god.
Past pain. Most addictions are rooted in some sort of childhood trauma, either abuse or neglect. There is a wound that has not been healed. Maybe during those difficult times, we discovered we could find some solace in masturbation. This may lead to more addictive and dangerous practices later in life. Though good counseling and the ministry of the Holy Spirit this pain can be healed.
Sexual-addiction is serious. It is real. And it can have enormous impact if left untreated. Families can be destroyed. Churches can implode. But there is also healing and victory.
I would urge anyone with event he slightest problem in this area to tell someone trustworthy and then seek professional counseling. In my own journey, the support of a 12-step recovery group was a crucial part of my recovery. I still attend meetings from time to time, as I will probably always have this addiction – just as an alcoholic is always an alcoholic.
I would also recommend that all pastors familiarize themselves with the work of Patrick Carnes. Carnes is a leading expert in sexual addiction. He pioneered much of the contemporary research on the subject and is a good resource for those interested in understanding more about sexual addiction.
Finally, I want to give praise and honour to God who saved me. He took my brokenness and made me whole. He filled up what was lacking inside me. I previously ministered through the power of my natural talents. Now I minister out of my brokenness. Soli Deo Gloria.
Santosh Ninan is the lead pastor of Urban Sanctuary in Vancouver (www.urban-sanctuary.ca). He blogs at www.dreamsunlocked.blogspot.com
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